Stepping Out of My Comfort Zone

(Or leaping from a safe bubble)

Earlier this month, it was Valentine’s Day (or as my partner at the time liked to say ‘Valentime’s Day’), and I was one of the lucky ones who had a Valentine this year. I was also lucky that my partner challenged me and pushed me to step out of my comfort zone sometimes, and on this one occasion, it was more of a major leap out of my safe little bubble.

I do not like, I even detest, my photo being taken by someone else. I can take a selfie, yet even 5/10 times I give up on that endeavour, and someone else taking my photo fills me with so much anxiety it often reduces me to tears and makes me shake. I know that the picture I will see is not the one I want to see, that the person in the photo is not the version of me that I want to be. I do not see what other people claim to see, so the actual event of having my picture taken is terrifying and oftentimes heartbreaking for me.

This is why my Valentine’s Day date, organised by my then-partner, was a couple’s photo shoot. He wanted me to see myself the way that he saw me. He wanted me to have a photo of myself that I loved, and even though we both knew that this could entirely backfire and potentially lead to me disliking having my picture taken even more, we agreed to go through with his idea.

Getting ready was incredibly nerve-racking; I couldn’t get my lipstick to be even, i smudged my mascara and had to redo it, my fingers were shaking on my eyeliner, I used too much blush and then took off too much makeup when I tried to fix it, and why the fuck did I not check my shoes before I took them to my partner’s house to get ready? They had a smudge on the heel. I didn’t even want to look in the mirror once I had my dress on, even though I was in my favourite dress.
My heels echoed heavily on the floor, I felt big and clunky and uncomfortable in my own skin, but I knew what I had signed up for and the smallest part of me was holding onto hope that this would be good for me.

I was surprised by the fact that I even found it fun.

My partner and I were awkward at first, especially before we even found ourselves in the studio. We were huddled together on the couch in the reception, and speaking for myself I was trying to appear more in control and calm than I felt. Inside the studio, I was a bundle of nervous giggles and a lot of hiding myself behind him at the beginning. I wanted so desperately for the photos to be good that I had forgotten to try and enjoy actually getting the photos taken. I had this feeling that, if as little of me was visible as possible then the photos had more of a chance of being good. It took a lot of subtle, unprompted, guiding touches from my partner to bring me forward and stand on my own.
By the time I was standing against the wall, with the lights in my face and the photographer taking my solo shots, I felt more confident than I have ever felt in my life.

It didn’t matter in that moment that I am overweight, or that I have a single wisp of hair that curls when the rest of it is dead straight, or that my lipstick was a bit uneven and even if I had been smiling my teeth wouldn’t have bothered me either. I was in my element, I was comfortable in my skin and I was comfortable under the lights.

This experience was once in a lifetime for me, it was one of the most fun relationship building exercises I have ever done, and it was a really huge leap out of my comfort zone.

I am so proud of myself, and so grateful to the man I had been dating for this experience, and I hope that as time passes I take this experience and build on it to develop my confidence and work on being more positive towards myself.